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“I Need to Become a Mermaid as Soon as Possible. Pls Help.” – The Best of Yahoo! Answers Paranormal

paranormalyahooanswers

During my searches for the strangest stories on the web, it’s not unusual to find myself in some of the weirder parts of the internet. I’ve hung out on vampire dating websites, traded scans of antique grimoires with magicians, and even stumbled onto a forum full of people who claimed to be real-life werewolves. And yet, despite all of my armchair adventures into the fringes of the world wide web, the strangest place of them has got to be Yahoo! Answers. Hands down.

You’ve probably been there before, but the gist of Y!A is that anyone can ask any kind of question at all and then receive answers that are voted on by the community. This can work out to all kinds of amusing ends, especially when it comes to the barrage of 15 year olds asking how they can properly sell their soul to the devil or wondering if midgets really have night vision.

Over the last few months, I’ve made it a point to start collecting my favorite questions relating to the paranormal, and I’ve amassed quite a collection. Here’s a sampler platter of the weirdest paranormal questions posed at Yahoo! Answers.

Desperate for Demon Dongdemonlover

This is the same kind of sexual desperation that lands middle school teachers on To Catch a Predator, but instead of losing your job and going to jail, you lose your mortal soul and go to hell. Explaining yourself to Chris Hansen is bad enough, but can you imagine how embarrassed you’ll be when Jesus comes out and asks you to take a seat?

My Siren Song Brings All the Boys To The Yard..mermaids

We’re lucky Yahoo! Answers is around for support during that pivotal moment in a young girl’s life when she’s finding out whether she’s a mythical sea-creature or a murderous distraction for sailors.

Pray the Gay Awaydevilmakesyougay

The can-do attitude of Mandii3 is the only thing that keeps this one from tipping into “depressing”.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Startcheatcodesforhell

How should science deal with the existence of a hellish nightmare reserved for unbelievers? Paul has the answer: we invent flame resistant souls. It’s like a cheat code for atheists! Brilliant!

Now Casting for Animal Planet
wanttobeamermaid

Easiest way to be a mermaid is to audition for Animal Planet’s 2014 television special Mermaids: The Even Newer Evidence. If that fails, maybe you could borrow Cassie’s water-themed necklace.

Hunting down the Extinct
gloryholes

Don’t fear Alteo! Dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years, and yet indigenous tribes in dense jungles around the world have still reported seeing them. Glory holes might still be out there, and even if they aren’t, we can always hope for the day an enterprising young scientist finds a 1980′s porn theater encased in amber and decides to clone one.

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Have you found a great paranormal question on Yahoo! Answers? Send it our way! Tweet us @WhoForted or leave a message in the comments section below. To stay up to date with the latest weird news, like us on Facebook!

Greg Newkirk

Greg Newkirk

Senior Editor at Who Forted
Documentary film-maker, professional monster chaser, and mystery monger, Greg is the senior editor for Who Forted? 'Zine. When he's not occupied by writing about the wide world of the weird, he's busy directing and editing documentary films like The Bigfoot Hunter: Still Searching or writing about offbeat travel for Roadtrippers. He's currently in production on his new project: an original documentary web series titled Planet Weird. He currently lives in Cincinnati.
Greg Newkirk
Greg Newkirk

4 Comments

  1. Raven Storm

    07/12/2013 at 2:30 PM

    Forget the weekend, you just made my year!

    • Greg Newkirk

      07/12/2013 at 7:30 PM

      This is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve got dozens of these sitting here in a folder.

  2. Conquistador3

    07/15/2013 at 3:43 AM

    This is probably the funniest thing I’ve read this whole year.

    Bravo!

  3. sean

    07/15/2013 at 4:16 AM

    currently on the Y!A paranormal page are some magnificent questions, “Why do me and my brother hear things in ancient languages?”, “What caused this in the attic? (Ghost?)?”, and “I went to a cemetery?”

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