Who Forted? Magazine

A Breatharian Of Fresh Air? Venusian Barbie Forsakes All Food

amatue

Dude, she’s got a beard!

Poor Valeria Lukyanova?

Her Ukrainian homeland a potential tinderbox for global thermonuclear war, but her desire to be physically perfect, like a Barbie, has been kicked up a notch. To be more like a plastic toy with unrealistic proportions, it’s her unrealistic expectation to eat as much as a plastic toy.

Nothing. Nada. Niente. Nichoho.

No food. No water. The simple pleasures of air and sunshine will be enough for this beauty.1

Manifesting this miracle is best ascribed to aescetics, saints, and monks throughout all traditions. The modern founder of Breatharianism, Wiley Brooks, has made serious bank fleecing the rich and stupid with a junk food diet made viable with five magic words. A wiley fellow, Brooks claims he can only share the secret words, far more poweful than shreem brezee, on his 5th dimensional mobile phone.

Last year, her story doubled down on the strange after declarations that Valya is the incarnation of Amatue, a time-travelling emissary from the planet Venus.2 Be not afraid, puny humans, for her mission is simple: Help people to realize that is it necessary to move from the role of the ‘human consumer’ to the role of ‘human demi-god’.

At least Earth has someone we can trust, and ensure Ms Lukyanova isn’t pulling a fast one with her gospel of peace.

If you’re from another planet, or believe you are, consider reaching out and touching us on Facebook, at Twitter, or in the comments below.


  1. http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2014/03/w8969.html 

  2. http://www.ibtimes.co.in/articles/496135/20130801/real-life-barbie-valeria-lukyanova-alien-planet.htm 

Chris Savia
Editor at Who Forted?, in addition to managing social media and writing the weekend news for The Anomalist. Chris caught the weird bug as a kid, boning up on New Jersey legends, the occult, and forteana. Chris lives near the Pine Barrens with his wife, six cats, and the Jersey Devil.
Chris Savia
Chris Savia

1 Comment

  1. Coppertop

    03/04/2014 at 6:14 AM

    I still can’t believe Breatharianism is a real thing. I first came across it in a Transmetropolitan comic book back in the 00′s – I thought it was just some crazy nonsense Ellis came up with for us to laugh at.

    I’m STILL laughing, but now it’s tinged with regret and faint depression. Jeebus.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>