Who Forted? Magazine

Brighton Dragon Slayer Touts Skills Online

dwagginDragons are everywhere, even with dungeons, twenty sided dice, and virgin princesses becoming scarce.

Jolly old England has a long-standing relationship with these fire-breathing lizards of yore, appearing on heraldry, Google Maps suggesting travelling on dragonback when travelling between Snowdon and the Brecon Beacons,1 and folks wasting precious bandwidth with hoaxed dragon videos like this one.

It’s no surprise to discover a former call center representative, living in Brighton, is hiring out his services on Gumtree.2 Gumtree is like Craigslist with bad teeth and extra helpings of delicious eel.

Dragon Slayer for hire!

Do you have a problem with dragons? Waking up to charred cattle strewn fields and scorch marks ruining your newly painted front porch?

Look no further!

I’m an experienced dragon slayer looking for work. No matter how big or small your infestation I can help. I’ve been in training for 3 years after a dragon destroyed my Ice Cream van in spring 2011. The police said it was arson, but I know better! This was my sole source of income and there is no sight more depressing than a puddle of Calypos and Magnums surrounded by teary eyed children. From that day forward I vowed to rid this place of its blight.

Over the years I have made my own armour from old car parts and they’re all painted with flame retardant spray. The sword is an ornamental one I have sharpened and cuts through things really well. I’ve honed my skills by tackling annoying yappy dogs and cats in the area and think my skill level is definitely high enough to take old even the most ferocious dragon.

*THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I DO NOT PLAY MAGIC AND I DON’T THINK HOGWARTS IS REAL. NO TIME WASTERS PLEASE!*

My rates are to be negotiated based on the job. I’m deadly serious about my work and I KNOW it’s my destiny to rid the world of these scaly vermin. Since dragons have highly sensitive hearing I ask that you contact me via the reply button on this ad as I don’t trust phones.

**I’VE HAD A LOT OF RESPONSES ASKING FOR PRICES SO HERE’S A ROUGH GUIDE. Below 10ft wingspan is £850 per dragon, 10-25ft £1,500 pd and anything over 25ft is £3,000. There’s a 15% discount for 6 or more dragons.**

“Sir” Vincent Whittaker claims to have vanquished three dragons, capturing twelve more, dropping them off at a nearby animal rescue center. A real stand-up chap!

Considering the prices Vincent is commanding on the open market, perhaps he should be making his way over to Oklahoma. Back in December 2012, the following advertisement appeared way in The Oklahoman.

dragon

More disturbingly, a cottage industry has established itself in the American southwest regarding household appliances and dread wyrms. In my adopted hometown of Colorado Springs is Vacuums and Dragons. They’ve been around forever, I regret never having perused their wares, but should anyone ever have a problem with some street-punk wyvern smoking meth thinking he’s Smaug, hie thee to 5643 N Academy Boulevard in the Springs and (I hope) they can set you up like Ed at Best Quality Vacuum Repair.

vacuumsdragonsIf you need a a dust filter for a Hoover Max Extract 60 Pressure Pro, or a sword-for-hire, leave a message on our Facebook, at Twitter, or in the comments below.


  1. http://thenextweb.com/google/2014/06/04/google-maps-easter-eggs/ 

  2. http://www.gumtree.com/p/jobs/dragon-slayer-for-hire/1063620660 

Chris Savia
Editor at Who Forted?, in addition to managing social media and writing the weekend news for The Anomalist. Chris caught the weird bug as a kid, boning up on New Jersey legends, the occult, and forteana. Chris lives near the Pine Barrens with his wife, six cats, and the Jersey Devil.
Chris Savia
Chris Savia
Chris Savia

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1 Comment

  1. Coppertop

    06/11/2014 at 5:21 AM

    So here’s my question: what happens to the dead dragon afterwards?

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